it's earlier than i usually post thoughts like this, but sleep schedule is non-existent and today has brought a lot of introspection. the healing process is so complicated. somedays you feel like the weight carried has fully lifted, and then something happens to remind you of just how tender those wounds still are. at the end of last year, while anticipating the ending of a very painful part of my life, i wanted to seek closure by reflecting on the words written to me by someone who hurt me very deeply. foolish? maybe. but it showed me very quickly just how nuanced the path to letting go of the past is. where i thought i had built up inner fortifications against the harm that was done, i found that there were still cracks letting the words stab into the vulnerable places. memories started coming back, the feelings of fear and powerlessness. all the times i was made to feel small, told i wasn't enough, shown i wasn't cared about. i've been filtering those emotions carefully over the past weeks. sometimes, even when you know the truth, when you've spent so much time with lies weighing you down at every turn in the road, it's hard to break through all of that to reach the needed inner clarity. people say you need to learn to love yourself first in order to give love to the fullest. and in different ways, i understand that. what i've realized is that you need to become your own best friend, mindful when growth is needed, but also gentle with loving kindness. a true friend wouldn't tear you down, especially at your low points on your journey. so you need to be able to learn to mindfully block out when those hurtful words and thought processes try to crawl in. when you start feeling like you're not enough, tell yourself "i am, actually, enough. i've been trying very hard for a very long time. even when it's the hardest.". when you start fixating on painful things in the past, remind yourself "the past does not hold me captive now. i am not responsible for the words and actions of anyone else but me. i am a soul with scars and soft spaces still mending; yet i am not broken, but whole.". it's hard. it's really hard to push past the weight of those past experiences. it's hard to open your heart, to allow vulnerability, when you've had to shield yourself from pain for such a long time. i don't have easy answers for that, because there is nothing simple when it comes to the heart. for the longest time, i've kept myself closed off in different ways because, in my situations, it was the only way to survive. but slowly, little by little, in finding the safe places in trusted people, in being that kind person to myself, more and more i'm finding those walls melting into open space that's allowing my heart to finally grow towards my truest self. the me that's always been there but was too afraid to step into the light; that was too afraid of rejection and being hurt to hope for what my soul has needed the most. it's a long and complicated journey. there are no promises of a path without struggles, worries, pain in some form or another. but even though those moments will arrive to test resolve and try to shake up the foundations and growth being worked on, on the other side of that is love and care. gentle words that heal. there is hope, always, for a safe place to truly set down and release all you carry; to find peace. so that's my focus today. one kind word, one act of love at a time. step by step. it might not be ok now but it will someday. i believe in that. #ateez #에이티즈 #hongjoong #홍중 #seonghwa #성화 #yunho #윤호 #yeosang #여상 #san #산 #mingi #민기 #wooyoung #우영 #jongho #종호 #atiny #larknotes